Tonight he cried

I write this blog with such sadness in my heart. As a Mom, we never like to see our children hurt or upset. It's so hard to be through that and to see them going through tough times, but tonight he cried and it tore me apart. How I have anticipated this moment since he was an infant! But the words just didn't come as I expected.

My son is officially aware that death could happen for him at anytime and tonight he cried. It hit me as if someone had just taken my heart and ripped it from my chest without any concern of the results. He had just been to dance and was a little upset that parents hadn't bothered to read their emails to know not to bring cookies- peanut butter ones at that. He tried not to respond during dance, but I saw the emotion working through him as we headed towards the car. He was such a big boy and held it together very well for a 7 year old.
Inside the car, the emotions started to fill up until he cried. As we drove down the road, he asked me why there were people out there who didn't care about others. I asked him what he was talking about and his response is what took my breath away. Barely audible as he choked back the tears my little Owen said, "I am going to die the next time." He broke into tears and I couldn't even respond for the longest time as I silently sat there trying to drive behind the tears that took over. It was silent in that car for what seemed like forever before he finally spoke again. He said, "Mom, I know what the doctor said. The next time I have a reaction, I am going to die. I don't want to die." My baby is 7 and already has to consider how other people's choices affect his life. I had to pull it together and have to say it was only by the grace of God that I was able to do that. I really had no clue how to respond to him. I told him that it is always a possibility that we could lose him should he have another reaction but that is why we carry an epipen and make everyone around him aware of the consequences of their actions. We talked the entire ride about how it is Wade and my job to teach him to live in a peanut world.
Throughout the 30 minute drive, he asked great questions and spoke in great detail about how hard it is at school for him and how there are days that he feels lonely sitting by himself at lunch. And as we neared home he said that he wanted to be sure to talk to his teacher about a concern of his regarding indoor recess and the use of hand sanitizer (always the big boy). I always see him as such a strong little fella who is living well under difficult circumstances. It is definitely sad to realize that he understands his mortality and how others can be careless and cause something that is my nightmare everyday. He's always so happy and does so well to keep it together, but tonight he cried.

And tonight, his Momma's heart broke as I realized that the day may come that I'm not there to fix it. I have no choice but to put my child's life into the hands of others and pray they do the right thing. So if you are one of those others, please know that I trust you with every ounce of my being that I have available. I may question events, and I may question responses. I may question things before they can even happen. It's nothing against you, but, you see, I have to do this to protect him now more than ever because tonight he cried!