Okay, wait, what?! The words stung worse than any bite I had ever had. What does this mean? You're sending me to a what? That sounds serious. It was just a shot put!!!
The craziest thoughts go through your head when you are faced with an uncertainty. You become frustrated, borderline irrational (or maybe completely). The rain just never seems to stop. Two weeks ago today, that was me, sitting in the orthopedic specialist's office after hearing him speak those words. Not only did I have a slight tear in my rotator cuff, but something is wrong with my bone marrow.
Something is wrong with my bone marrow.
So many thoughts. He said he was sending me to an orthopedic oncologist. "Shit, that sounds expensive." He said he couldn't give me further information other than what the radiologist had read. "Seriously, what did I pay you for?" He said that it could be nothing, but he wanted to be safe. "Thank you? What does that even mean!!"
Something is wrong with my bone marrow.
I went and sat in the car crying, not even sure what to think. I called my husband who spoke logic. I called my best friend who comforted me. I didn't want to tell anyone. What would I tell them anyhow! I could do nothing but wait.
Waiting is hard. I'm not a patient person when I want answers. I want to know what is going on. I want to be educated. I WILL NOT Google this! I WILL NOT listen to people's opinions! I will talk with friends and feel the support. I will find out who I try to talk to that doesn't have time for me. Quite surprising. I will find that a shoulder injury is just as invisible as having cancer. Oh, wait, but what if I do....
I avoid everything. I don't want to talk to anyone. I want them to pray for me, but I don't want sympathy. Oh seriously, that's how you respond. Don't feel sorry for me! Just pray for healing or something! I don't go to church that first week. I know I am going to have to go, but I'm not ready to feel God talking to me in public. Just not yet. I walk through life in a fog - a fog of pain and uncertainty.
The appointment is set. I anticipate it coming up, but at this point, I am just keeping myself so busy with track meets, and school work, and teaching work, and dance competitions. And, don't let me stop or I will think too hard. It's Mother's Day; I have to pretend to care. All I want to do is stay in bed and not feel anything. I've worked myself into a tizzy over this whole nonsense. What if it really is no big deal, a very expensive no big deal, but what if it is.
I went to church for Mother's Day. It happened to be the one day the most passionate worship and prayerer (Making up my own words, don't judge!) happens to come over to our side of the church and try to shake my hand. Push through the pain and let him shake it? I can't do it. I offer him my left hand to which he asks what is wrong. I just tell him I have a shoulder issue. A shoulder issue?! Kim, what the crap! How vague can you get. He asks if he can pray for me, and I pause. I PAUSED!! WHAT THE WHAT?! That is not me. Why would I pause?! Of course he can pray for me. When we prayed, he laid his hand on the shoulder that hurt. I could feel the heat of his hand. I could feel the power in his prayer. I felt at peace for the first time in two weeks. Thank you God for sending him to me. Thank you for giving me that reassurance that I needed- whatever the new, expensive doctor said. He asked me if it felt better. It didn't, but I did. How do I say that? I don't. I just say, no.
In a time of crisis, reassurance means everything. Prayer means everything. Family means everything. Friends mean everything. Everything MEANS EVERYTHING!
There's something wrong with your bone marrow.
But it's not cancer. Those were the words I got to hear today. At first I was overjoyed with the fact that it wasn't something that could alter the future of my family and my babies lives forever, but then I had to digest exactly what it really means. It isn't cancer, but it is edema of the bone marrow. What is that? Well, this doctor took some time to show me the MRI and show me what brought up that red flag. My bone is white. HAHAHA< I know that was my first funny in this drab and depressing post. In an MRI, your bone is black, but in mine, it showed up with white specks. It isn't very dense. Now for the educational part of this post. Basically bone marrow edema is defined as excess fluid in the bone marrow that builds up causing swelling. The injury caused my body to yell at me. The treatment is to reduce the swelling, to ease the rotator cuff tear through physical therapy, and hopefully to avoid surgery.
So what comes next? Well there is is something wrong with my bone marrow. There is no denying that. It is currently swollen. There is no cure for bone marrow edema. The treatment is to actually treat what caused it in the first place - the tear. PT will be hard, so if you see me out, please do not touch my right shoulder. It already hurts, and the last week with only ONE day of PT and at home exercises has been worse pain than I have felt ever (and I truly have a large pain tolerance). I ask for prayers for me in my pain and patience for forward movement. I ask for prayers to avoid surgery. I ask for prayers for my family who has to put up with my moodiness that comes with all of this.
But I mostly want to sing praises for MY GOD who has held my hand through all of this. Who brought me reassurance yesterday when I couldn't see the son shining through. Who is the healer of all things and who, more than anything, has got this! I don't seem to be able to do things halfway. This is the most expensive shot put I will ever purchase, but I learned a lesson over all of this. My biggest lesson has been to love and trust God because He has the power over everything. Someone remind me of this in a few weeks when I am pushing through the pain. This isn't the end.
This is only the beginning because something is wrong with my bone marrow.
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