Weepy

Today, I find myself weepy and incurably sad. I, like so many, oftentimes find myself stressing over things that are absolutely beyond any control that I might have. And while I know how to stop it, I fall short and do not. I know that God is in control and whatever He has planned to happen will, but in my egotistical mind, I believe I can take care of it and control it and prevent negative things from happening. WOW! I'm glad I don't really have that much control or it would really drive me insane!

This weekend is a huge mark in the independence of our sweet Owen. Our little peanut allergy kid that I have sheltered for so many years will be going off on his first camp out as a cub scout (now he has gone with Alec, but not as a scout- just a brother- and I was there). I'm not going. I don't think my heart could handle it. His Daddy, who is also his Den Leader, will be going with him. And we are already praying for God's control... they are serving snacks that include nuts. Cookies that have nuts and actual nuts as snacks on both Friday and Saturday night. I won't sleep a wink, I am sure. I will be awaiting that horrid call as I do every day when I drop him off at school. And while I know God is taking care of him, I just can't let go. I can't let that be it, and it's all because I'm the Mommy.

But the part that I think has me so darn weepy today is that I realized this morning that I've done my job. I've taught him how to live in a peanut world. I know that I have been working to that end since he was 12 months and diagnosed with a life-threatening food allergy. I know that I have been diligent in stressing to him how important it is to avoid those situations that could be dangerous to him without vocally calling himself or his classmates out. I know that I've taught others to be tolerant around him and him to be tolerant of those who just don't get it. And my job certainly doesn't stop here at the wise old age of almost 7 ;-) But today he showed me that my lessons are in there, and he understands the danger involved in other people's daily living. He told me this morning that he asked the teacher in charge in the lunchroom yesterday if he could go to the front of the lunch line for going out. She did ask for an explanation. His words to me... "Mommy, I just told her that I have been thinking and it isn't safe for me to be in line with other kids that might have had peanuts or peanut butter in their lunches. We don't clean our hands until after we are out of the gym. What if they touch me? It's dangerous, and I don't want to be in that situation." Yes, he used those big words and suddenly I realized that while I have a little first grader, I also have a big boy who has learned how to protect himself and how to think independently. And, that quite possibly, might be the death of me ;-) I've lived his entire life protecting him from those things he couldn't protect himself from. But as he grows up and matures, I see that Wade and I have instilled in him a lesson of survival. He is gonna be just fine this weekend. I know that! But I'm still the Mommy, so I will still worry and I will still fret after him cause that's my job!
Everyday we say, I can't believe they are growing up. Each and every one of them. Letting go is so very difficult, but for a food allergy Mom, letting go means so much more. I ask for prayers as I come to realize it's all in God's hands, and I'm doing my job. He is a big boy, Kim! He can handle it himself. Hard words for this Mom to accept.